2024: An Open Letter

I remember that on the 1^st of January someone told me that she hoped that at the end of 2024 I could write an open letter that I’d be proud of. It was one of the most beautiful and original new year wishes I’ve ever got. So here we are, ready to pour it all on paper. It might be the toughest and most emotional one I’ve ever written, and I’m not sure if I’m going to be proud of it; pride is one of those feelings that fade away very quickly right now, like most feelings. But before I dive any deeper into that, let’s go back all the way to the beginning of the year.

‘The wind here is flipping my pages / While I’m trying to write my thoughts away / Chapters closing, others open / People go and people stay’[1]

For me, 2024 was a year of two very different faces, in the most extreme ways. It’s been a combination of heaven and hell, and I guess life is somewhere in between these two; right here on earth, and there’s a clear-cut moment when everything turned around. 2023 was, by far, the happiest year of my life, and the first half of 2024 continued in an even better way. I started with my new job at the OBA (Library of Amsterdam), which turned out to be a dream job. Working with books and trying to change society for the better, with my amazing and passionate colleagues; on most days I enjoyed going to work.

‘Running wild among all the stars above’[2]

I remember that during the first half of the year I felt pretty amazing most of the time. Waking up pissing happy smiles, looking forward to the day and whatever I was about to do. After years of struggling, mostly mentally, I finally felt like I had it all figured out – at least, for now; I know I’ll never stop learning. I’ve never taken happiness for granted and I’ll never do so. For 1.5 years I’ve been living on a high, being able to enjoy almost every single moment, no matter how big or small they were. I’m the kind of person who can feel intense happiness from the smallest of moments and gestures, but sadness can come just as easily and intense; and I can’t forget how it felt when it all fell apart.

‘You never meant to take the smile from my face / But since you’ve been away I’ve been stuck in my mind’[3]

Sometimes you meet someone and you discover that you have this great chemistry between the two of you. For the first time in my life I felt such a close and special connection, something I haven’t felt before, and I started wondering if there could be more to it, so I wanted to give it a try. And whenever I enter such a situation, which is quite rare to me, my feelings can’t do anything else than go all-in, as if love is some kind of poker game. There was this special person who deserved all the love I could give, but when that person left, so did my love that I had for everything. I couldn’t find any joy in my passions, I couldn’t feel any pride in my achievements, I couldn’t feel any happiness in my life. I somehow struggle to believe that someone can love me as much as I love them. And even though I know I’m loved by many people – thank you all for that – I often struggle to actually feel that love. As if I’ve numbed down every feeling because I couldn’t handle the worst ones, the ones I’ve felt so often these past few months.

‘When all is gone, the only loss / To not have loved at every cost’[4]

Sometimes things don’t work out for whatever reason. All I know is this: I haven’t been the same since all of this happened. I’ve become this faded version of myself, a ghost who wishes he could turn invisible and could be in the spotlight at the same time. I broke down on a random Tuesday and whenever the sun rose for Wednesday it was expected I once again rose too, but I couldn’t. Ever since then I struggled getting out of bed, because I had to put myself together every morning and I couldn’t find every piece of whatever was left of me. The world expects you to show up, but there wasn’t much left to show, yet the show had to go on. As always.

‘It feels like a tear in my heart / Like a part of me missing / And I just can’t feel it / I’ve tried and I’ve tried’[5]

I don’t know who wrote this chapter of this show called ‘my life,’ but the only part I’d rate highly is the pain I’m often going through. I’m not okay and I haven’t been okay for a while now, but that’s okay; I just wish that it would’ve been different, that life would be different, and, sometimes, that I would be different.

‘If time heals, tell me, why do I kill myself tryna show you I’m not a mistake?’[6]

Life right now just doesn’t feel the same, even though I try to continue working on my dreams. This year I’ve been on several film sets with bigger roles than I’ve played previously, I’ve seen myself on the big screen in the cinema for the first time, and I’ve started working on my first novel, writing more than 50.000 words in a month. But no matter how wonderful these achievements are, they barely gave me a feeling of pride or happiness. I realized that I often tie my self-worth to my productivity, especially when I’m in a low place. Right now I’m mainly working for my future self, the one that might feel happy again one day and finds so many art in his portfolio, made by a past version of him who desperately tried to turn his pain into art.

‘I need some therapy from friends that know the better me’[7]

Recently a friend said to me: ‘It’s actually quite wonderful that you’ve gone through so many hardships and still turned out as a kind human being.’ Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I always try to be kind; because I know the pain too well and I don’t want to pass any of that onto others. I’ve spent a lot of my lifetime in this personal hell and every time I left it was ‘until next time,’ not ‘goodbye.’ And when I returned this year, it felt like a home, yet another unknown, not knowing if and when I’ll be able to leave again. I miss the person I was at the beginning of the year, knowing that I can never be the same person again.

‘If words could just hold you / Tell me you feel me’[8]

If you’ve read this letter well enough you’ll find tears between every word written, as the words were drowned in them before I put them onto paper. It’s the curse of the writer who can’t show his pain through existence, so he has to use other means to show-don’t-tell whatever battle he’s going through. I speak fluently silences that no one understands. The blank line is my home and sometimes you see me wandering between the lines, desperately searching for a place in my own story.

‘There will be a time to crack another smile / Maybe not today or for a while / But we’re holding on to laugh again some day’[9]

If you’ve read this letter until here: thank you. Am I proud of it? Not sure. But if you were touched by it, then I’m – kind of – happy I was able to share a fraction of whatever I’m going through. To be clear: 2024 was, in most ways, a pretty good year for me. But when I feel broken and I’m not able to reproduce the happiness I used to feel, then I start wondering whatever my life means; somehow my negative feelings always seem to dominate everything, as you can read in this letter, and I need to learn how I can change that. I don’t want to set goals for 2025. Of course I want to finish my novel, of course I want to continue acting and do other creative stuff, but most importantly I want to feel happy again. I don’t care about love or finding it; I’ve proven to myself that I don’t need it to be happy, and if I meet someone worth it, it’s a choice to try, not a want that becomes a need. I care about finding my happy self again, the one who enjoyed life, the one whose heartbeat matched with his dreams and passions. And that’s also my new year wish for you: not that you’ll achieve what you want, but that you’re simply happy with whatever you’ll do with your life, with whatever lovely people you’ll surround yourself with. But most importantly: make sure that the loveliest person you surround yourself with is you.

I wish you all the best and I hope to see you all in 2025!

Yours Truly,

Justin

[1] Morpheus – Gold (Morphosis, 2023)

[2] James Blunt – High (Back to Bedlam, 2004)

[3] Morpheus – Gold (Morphosis, 2023)

[4] Nothing More – I’ll Be OK (Nothing More, 2014)

[5] NF (ft. Britt Nicole) – Can You Hold Me (Mansion, 2015)

[6] NF – MISTAKE (HOPE, 2023)

[7] Tom Walker – SOS (I AM, 2024)

[8] Stephen Sanchez – Be More (Angel Face, 2023)

[9] Rise Against – Tragedy + Time (The Black Market, 2014)